Messy Anxiety
It's amazing how anxiety can latch onto the strangest things and make them absolutely terrifying. I can't remember when it started, and I can't figure out WHY it scares me so much, but I am absolutely terrified of being messy. Not so much little messes mind you, tho I really don't care for little messes either. But I mean like, bucket of gross dumped over my head messy. Hell, even just the idea of a bucket of water being dumped over me doesn't make me happy, tho as long as I was certain it was water I would probably be ok. And I can manage to walk in the rain, because, um... little mess? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. I used to be fine with handling raw meat.... now I have to wear gloves. If we don't have gloves, I can still handle the meat, but I make this lovely face of Ew Gross the whole time. Why did that change? When did this become a thing? Do you know that commercial for the Delta faucets, where its a bunch of hands covered in mud and paint and honey and slime and all things gross? Yeah I can't watch that. The very idea of having my hands covered in such things makes me squirm.
And the reason I bring all of this up is that last night we went to see Alton Brown Live. He's the food guy that does Good Eats and Cut Throat Kitchen. If you've seen his live shows, you know that he likes to fling things in to the crowd on occassion. We had second row seats, and the ticket descriptions said "ponchos will be provided". I was a little freaked out, but I trusted them to do the providing and was SO EXCITED to see Alton Brown Live that I promptly forgot about it. That is, until we got there and there were no ponchos provided. And I started to freak out. And I couldn't control it. And I didn't know what to do except to breathe and try to relax, and to tell myself that maybe the gross things wouldn't happen until the second half. Maybe they would put the ponchos or plastic sheets down after intermission. Everything was going to be ok. I was going to have a good time and OMG We Are So Close to The Stage so this will be awesome. Just shut up brain, it's going to be Fine. And then the show started, and Alton was RIGHT THERE. And he came INTO OUR ROW to hug a girl he was making fun of (she didn't like bacon, he blamed her mom, it was hysterical). And I forgot all about my anxiety and being scared of whatever mess was going to be made. And in the end, nothing messy got thrown at us - just freeze dried and smashed rose petals and a ton of popcorn - and I LOVE popcorn. And so, as usual, my fears were unfounded and I got all freaked out for nothing.
But still I can't figure out Why does this freak me out so much. I think maybe part of it is an embarassment thing? Like I'll be covered in gross and everyone will laugh at me and I won't be able to get clean and I will feel so awful... I don't know. Maybe. Either way, it's really starting to get on my nerves because even simple things - like getting my hands dirty - have become challenging in a completely incomprehensible way. I like to understand things and I just don't understand this thing that is plaguing me. And I need to figure it out and get the hell over it already.
Thanks for listening.
-Banana
And the reason I bring all of this up is that last night we went to see Alton Brown Live. He's the food guy that does Good Eats and Cut Throat Kitchen. If you've seen his live shows, you know that he likes to fling things in to the crowd on occassion. We had second row seats, and the ticket descriptions said "ponchos will be provided". I was a little freaked out, but I trusted them to do the providing and was SO EXCITED to see Alton Brown Live that I promptly forgot about it. That is, until we got there and there were no ponchos provided. And I started to freak out. And I couldn't control it. And I didn't know what to do except to breathe and try to relax, and to tell myself that maybe the gross things wouldn't happen until the second half. Maybe they would put the ponchos or plastic sheets down after intermission. Everything was going to be ok. I was going to have a good time and OMG We Are So Close to The Stage so this will be awesome. Just shut up brain, it's going to be Fine. And then the show started, and Alton was RIGHT THERE. And he came INTO OUR ROW to hug a girl he was making fun of (she didn't like bacon, he blamed her mom, it was hysterical). And I forgot all about my anxiety and being scared of whatever mess was going to be made. And in the end, nothing messy got thrown at us - just freeze dried and smashed rose petals and a ton of popcorn - and I LOVE popcorn. And so, as usual, my fears were unfounded and I got all freaked out for nothing.
But still I can't figure out Why does this freak me out so much. I think maybe part of it is an embarassment thing? Like I'll be covered in gross and everyone will laugh at me and I won't be able to get clean and I will feel so awful... I don't know. Maybe. Either way, it's really starting to get on my nerves because even simple things - like getting my hands dirty - have become challenging in a completely incomprehensible way. I like to understand things and I just don't understand this thing that is plaguing me. And I need to figure it out and get the hell over it already.
Thanks for listening.
-Banana
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